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The Valentine's Dos & Don'ts Handy Guide

The month of love is fast approaching and so is the beloved/dreaded day! Depends on which side of the fence you are standing. Gentlemen, you might want to pull your seats closer because we are giving you a heads-up on what you should do, and what to steer clear of on this dear St. Valentine’s Day. PS: Don't quote us on these tips; after all, matters of the heart are way off our speciality. J

  • DO make an effort. Surprise her with a getaway to a location that she’s never been to or she can’t frequent every weekend. Keep it exciting. Go the extra mile; after all, it is only one day.

  • DON'T resort to a franchise restaurant or a fast food restaurant. It makes you come off as lazy, unimaginative and dare we say nonchalant. Unlike watermelon, olives and hǔ biān (look it up); deep fried food is not an aphrodisiac.  Yes, you can thank us later!

  • DO make plans. Make a reservation at that cozy or fancy restaurant that she has been piping on and on about. No one wants to kill the candle-lit mood by attending to a pile of dishes afterwards. Let the romantic dinner at home be hers, and not your doing.

  • DON'T buy raw steak, chicken or anything raw for that matter and dump it on her hoping that a romantic dinner will come from it. If she wants to slave away at the stove, let it be unsolicited and not because you brought it upon her.

  • DO put some thought into the gift. What does she like? What has she been hinting about all along hoping that you will take on the subliminal messages? (Read, ‘read her mind’) If you must do any cosmetic purchase, make it a collection of items, mostly bath and body. Throw in some shower gel, body spray, lotion, cream.  Purchasing a singular item such as lotion could be detrimental. She might think you’re referring to her ashy skin. 

  • DON’T select a random gift that could be interpreted as a personal attack e.g. Deodorant- She’ll think you’re inadvertently informing her of her B.O. Waxing voucher- She’ll think you’re calling her Chewbacca.

  • DO practice subtlety with a new flame. Like a wild deer drinking from a brook, any commotion and we guarantee she’ll bolt to safety. Dinner, candles and wine might be overwhelming. Try something fun like GP Karting, bowling, white water rafting, bungee jumping or paintball. Anything too intimate might scare her away!

  • DON'T be creepy with a girl you recently met. Don't gag her, blind-fold her, tie her to a chair, put her in the back of a pick-up, drive her to an undisclosed location then profess your love to her via a rock ballad. This may have worked for Fred Dunst in that Limp Bizkit video but I doubt it will for you. Seriously though, don't be too romantic.

  • DO attempt to maintain equilibrium. Don't forget the Side chicks and FWBs. Initially they’ll put up a façade of indifference which will gradually develop into resentment thus meaning death to your convenient arrangement.

  • DON'T purchase a gift that requires a rendezvous or your physical presence when it comes to the Side chicks and FWBs e.g. a spa voucher, chocolates, jewelry. Let the courier guy do the dirty work for you! Hierarchy of expenditure in decreasing order should be as follows (in order to avoid disarray): Main Chick – FWB – Side Chick

The cardinal sin you could ever do is to try and kill two birds with one stone i.e. Alleging that  you’re treating her by dragging her along for the drinking plan you had with your buddies. You have 363 days to spend with your boys at Tamasha , Njugunas and Rafikiz- at no point in time should you subject her to the elements and a sausage fest just so you can save face over Valentine’s day.

Gentlemen, there you have it. May the force be with you. Now go on and nail this one! 


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